This has been one of the most….just mind boggling days in the sense that all I have wanted to do is… A) put my hands over my ears and scream B) get up and walk out of the room to my car with no intentions of coming back C) say some really regrettable snide remarks that I find enjoyable but have nothing but unnecessary agrression behind them etc etc etc. Im sure I could come up with more scenarios that were fitting for the day, but thats not constructing anything positive…only encouraging nagativity. Something this world does far too often without any regard for the aftermath.
With that being said I dont want to mislead anyone by suggesting that this is a work related frustration that caused this annoying day. Work is partially related, however, from time to time I reach these points where I feel completely trapped in multiple areas of my life. It can be blamed on all areas of my life just convieniently coming to a breaking point at the same time. I immediately start looking for the exits when I come to this trapped feeling. Pretty natural I suppose when feeling trapped the only thing you want is freedom. However, I couldnt go to a happy place in my head because all my happy places were temporarily having mini world wars, which goes back to the convenient timing bit.
This leads me to my next plan of attack, which is a drink. A stiff drink. That wont send me to a happy place, but it might drown out the mental warfare….or at least that was my theory. The beauty of all of this somewhat alarming confession is the person I went with to have drinks with has been in my shoes and not in that way where people claim to get whats going on but really have no clue. I spilled my guts and instead of receiving a concerned look or clueless nodd (which is the usual reaction), I got a chuckle and a smirk. Clearly a first with such an honest confession on my end of the table. They then proceded to give me their insight and take on me as a person in general, which they were spot on. Again, odd for me. Towards the end of their evaluation the song “Rebellion” by Arcade Fire came on througout the restaurant and they paused to produce an even bigger grin.
“With this huge grin on their face they looked at me and told me that this is it. This is my life and I am at the most exciting phase of it. It could be easy, but that doesnt turn me into an individual with stories, achievement, or experience in all areas of my life whether it be professional or personal. That doesnt make someone want to wake up and spill their heart and soul into a song that could one day being playing in restaurants throughout the country. Life is meant to be a struggle, but its how you embrace the struggle that makes the difference between who you are and the potential person you can be. So your life is going to be messy, but that is only appropriate since you are messy Meredith. You are something that never goes according to plan, so why should you expect life to be any different. Doesnt seem fair does it?”
My jaw probably was on the floor and all in all this a long winded way of saying…
Dont plan your life and spend time trying figure out the infamous whys.
Live your life and embrace the unknown.
I could sit here and write about my job, transition from college, rediscovery of my black out tiara that I like to pull out occasionally on the weekends, and my long term relationship with Tulsa. Some of these Ill probably dabble in and others I dont care enough to bore you with.
Tulsa and I will have a long romance that Im lucky to have stumbled upon. There isnt much more I can say about it, it’s simple. It’s great. However, what made me sit down at my computer and fill you in on my world was the fact that I was listening/watching a John Mayer show he did down in Arizona. I watched him walk off the stage with all his fans screaming bloody murder for him to play just one more song. Just one. Just another three to five minutes of an experience that completely takes them away from their realities. It made me remember my first encore experience when I didnt think they were going to come back on stage and keep me in that happy place for just a little bit longer. It blew my mind. I remember going home and telling my mom all about how they actually played another song. As if they knew….man Meredith needs just one more song …lets go back out there. Perfection.
Its those encore moments that seem to far and few between. The moment when your mind is clear and the only thing you care about is what your doing right that second. That perfect second where you are doing the thing you love more than anything in the world. Those moments shouldnt be limited to a brief encore. The challenge in life, in my mind, is making the encore moments turn into the whole show. We all get caught up in our struggles, thats ok. You take your time, you do what you gotta do, and youll be fine as ever. Its realizing that nothing is permanent in life, not even your struggles. You just have to wrap your mind around the concept that perception is reality. You can perceive your life and who you are as these brief encores of excellence or you can perceive your world as the bliss of the whole show. No one can do it, but you.
All in all, Tulsa has given me some more perspective on my life. My encore moments are what I want people to think of me for and the trick it turning my encore into the show.
So I suppose the bottom line is you can have a life that’s an encore, brief moments of bliss or you can have a life that’s the mind blowing experience of the show. Your going to take your exit from your own personal stage one way or another somewhere down the road and the key is to leave people wanting an encore.
A little heads up I am full of a vast array of emotions and this blog is essentially stuffing them all into a funnel and hoping they come out in an articulate, but appreciative manner….here goes nothing.
I got out of my night class earlier than expected tonight, which would have been the prefect time to really catch up on my never ending to-do list but in true Meredith Pate fashion I decided to do what I wanted to do rather than what I should do. This led me to the coffee shop to watch close friends play some of my favorite tunes and turn on that sentimental side of me that here lately peaks its head up all too often. You know the mushy kind of sentimental where specific songs make you tear up ….yea it happened. What of it?
After we all went our separate ways and I had some time to mellow out with my thoughts in my over sized chair at home, the sentimental mushy Meredith had faded into the background. What took her place was the realistic yet appreciative Meredith that is sitting here currently sharing her secrets. I’m a firm believer that people are in your lives for a reason and you see them in the light that you are meant to see them in. Your perception is your reality hence the different lights point, but the key here is to realize what you have before you. I’ve been sitting here thinking why the people I care most about are in my life and each one is different. Each one brings out a different side of my personality and I love them for the cards that they bring to the table.
I think that sometimes we forget how special the people we care about are. We get caught up in the day to day drama, let connections fade due to anger, or let some random pitiful excuse be the reasoning for letting our relationships phase out. I can say I have had my moments where I have burned the bridge for what feels like at the time a desperate act of self preservation. I’ve even built some hefty walls for people to climb in order to keep myself in tact. Who hasnt? I guess the point of this is to let people serve the purpose their meant to serve for you. Love them as they are and appreciate them for everything they are unknowingly giving you. Dont build walls or burn bridges because your scared of the mark they might leave, even if its a scar.
Embrace your experiences and embrace the people you have been lucky enough to surround yourself with. Even when others doubt your selection of company, stick with your gut and soak in what you can. You eventually become who your meant to be and you wont be able to do it without these people.
So I leave you with a song thats been on repeat for days on end it seems and a thank you to the people who I am lucky enough to call my close friends. They have left their marks on me and without them I wouldnt be the lovable mess I am…
Just a mess.
I’ll give you the setting before my thoughts of the evening in attempt to maybe provide some explanation for the mood I have found myself in or if anything give you some pleasant imagery to consider. I have created a nest of pillows in a bed that when sitting dead center you sink to a perfect level making it really difficult and occasionally impossible to drag yourself out of to do anything productive. I have Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald providing the background entertainment and have just finished having (for lack of better words) pillow talk with a close buddy who has a wit about him thats not only amusing, but comforting when he brings up conversation topics such as the lovely topic of having no idea and I mean no idea what we are going to do with our lives in less than three weeks time. Currently this doesn’t really concern me even though Im sure Ill have the panic attack of all panic attacks and will need to have a real heart to heart with a brown paper sack to ensure that my breathing steadies itself. Until then lets roll with the feelings of ease and confidence I have concerning the uncertainty that regardless of my efforts will inevitably catch up with me. Ok? Ok.
That being said what Im left thinking about this evening is the fact that I did college right. Plain and simple. Sure I messed up along the way…actually I messed up a lot along the way, but I’d make the same mistakes again. I learned what AOT means. I drank too much and should probably find a way to sneak myself onto the liver transplant list now so when the time comes I’ll have a back up waiting on me. I have battled for a cup and won. I have woken up in places and not known how or why I was there (refer back to drinking too much). I’ve made a fool out of myself at more than one date party. I’ve found myself in some incredibly stupid situations that looking back on now are still as funny as they were then. I’ve talked my way in and out of some tight spots. I’ve camped out at friends houses during snow days. Ive taken trips across the country to Myrtle Beach (excuse me NORTH Myrtle Beach…if your considering visiting this part of the country be sure to take a group of insane individuals with you to ensure that you make it back alive while making some questionable memories), New Orleans (one night, 10 people, one room, & the infamous Bourbon St.), Destin (Making Bad Decisions as a slogan was probably not the best motto to have, but we absolutely lived up to it), and even made it across the pond to Spain (wine,wine, hangover, and more wine). The best thing I did though was get caught up in a group of strangers who have easily become my family. So much so that I never really feel the need to go back to good ole H-Town, which really just puts my mother in a pleasant mood and by pleasant I mean incredibly annoyed.
I could probably sit here for hours telling you exactly what I have gotten myself into over the past few years, but this would not only get old for you…it would also ensure that I leave Stillwater with absolutely no dignity left and I just cant have that. Really though…let me keep what little I have left. I guess the point of all of this is college has done a lot of things for me, but if anything it has made me very aware how fast life moves. All we can do is keep up and make the most of the time we’re given. Try things, make mistakes, be stupid with your friends, drink too much from time to time, push yourself to the extreme, learn to shut up and listen to those around you…learn from them, if you dont like something change it, go outside your comfort zone, befriend the liquor store owner (seriously though…this will either benefit you or someone you know), and above all laugh. Laugh until your sides hurt and your wiping tears off your cheeks because those my friends are the moments your going to remember.
You’re given time and it is up to you to make the most of it.
Do it right.
Found out today that my favorite band is taking a year off from touring…the first time in twenty years so its deserved I’d say. Im obsessed with them. Im okay with it, but it needs to be noted that I am aware that its an obsession. That being said, on this rainy Sunday night Ive found myself listening to their cover of the classic “All Along The Watchtower”.
So for the next year Ill be missing them, but will be left with videos such as these to keep me preoccupied.
Enjoy.
Im suppose to be studying for a test I have tomorrow that he is letting us retake due to the fact that a majority of the class failed. You would think that being in the majority (sorry if Im bursting any bubbles concerning my intellectual abilities…or motivation level) I should really be taking advantage of this second chance, but instead I am sitting here sharing thoughts that you may find irrelevant. In all honesty its really an improvement from the daydreaming and can I balance this pen on my nose gig that I was performing for an invisible audience before sitting down to share my day with you. Dont judge.
I had a long, but excellent day today involving an interview, lunch with a best friend, an enjoyable drive home, and an exam that meh hopefully went well but if not Im not going to die. Usually with good days, like today, I dont waste time on thoughts and theories, instead I try to soak it in. Whats the saying…let tomorrow deal with itself? Something along those lines (side note: sayings are really an area I would like to improve in for the simple fact that I always enjoy when people throw old lady tid bits into random conversations…spices it up). Point is the day was good so what can I possibly take away from today and turn into some weird theory.
Well no worries, because there is nothing from today that is making me wonder the ever so common, why? Why is this happening? Why do people act the way they do? What does that mean? Where is my life headed? Whats the ultimate key to satisfaction? Is reality based on personal perception? What came first, the chicken or the egg? No my friends there is no why in my day today, only appreciation. I personally focus on the things that bug me in my life more than the things that make me smile so today I dedicate my thoughts to not figuring out why, but simply appreciating what I was given.
Sitting at the bar in McNellies with a best friend in our grown up clothes joking around about absolutely nothing was when it clicked. I was in an environment that stimulated excitement for the first time in a long time about the inevitable future (as always cue the lightening and thunder) and provided some reassurance that yes an era is coming to an end, but what matters isnt going anywhere.
*Cue the feelings of appreciation*
Im going to end up in a city I love, the people I love will be close by or a short drive away, and Im going to be happy..period. This is something I was a little concerned about since whats life after college? Hell? No, I wont let it be.
Maybe this is me growing up, maybe this is me attempting to embrace whats inevitably happening anyway, or maybe this is a random day that provides no insight into how I am going to feel come December.
Whatever the case may be Im going to try and keep this vibe for as long as possible…or until I fill out my graduation diploma application grow up and leave stillwater check list.
We’ll see.
Being an OSU student I have come to treat Game Days like religious holidays where anything goes as long as you are enjoying yourself. This my friends, is a deadly way of thinking and more often than not leads to some regrettable choices, embarrassing pictures that you were sure you didnt pose for, occasional cooler theft, and the occasional random friend you make based on your absolute certainty that they may or may not be the coolest person on the face of the earth because they are holding the same kind of beverage as you are. None the less, regardless of all our weird encounters and experiences on game day I think it is safe for me to assume that most OSU kids wake up the next day thinking…when do we get to do that again?
This season is a little different than my other football seasons here at OSU mainly due to the fact that I am from now on only referring to it as tailgating season since the actual amount of time I have spent watching the games is slim to none. Yes…I know… I have turned into that fan. Im okay with it though because I have come to find out that a majority of my close circle of friends are also that type of fan. We enable one another if you will. If you are also that type of fan then I salute you because quite frankly I think it takes some endurance and lots of practice to reach that level of fan hood….not everyone can do it. So here’s to you on that note.
This season is also a little different because its my last season as an OSU student, which means a lot of different things to a lot of different people, but to me its probably what I will miss most about this whole experience. When Stillwater decides to put its party panties on and saddle up for a home game its really hard to beat. So I may not be the best fan attendance wise, but in my mind Im soaking up what counts which is being absolutely ridiculous with my best friends. When else am I going to be able pull the shenanigans I pull with these people and have older members of society just look at us and go oh you silly college kids. Thats right never.
So I suppose the point of my rambling this afternoon is to express how important I think it is for you to enjoy the moments you have with the people around you while you have them. The clocks ticking folks and that hasnt hit me square in the face until this morning as Im driving by the game day debris. Somehow we have reached October and my student game days are numbered.
You can bet your money that Im going to be sure to make these games count (scary thought) with the people who will not only join me in my college kid game day shenanigans, but will also remind me about it all the next morning.
You ever feel as if your on the verge of something? You know on the verge of something big, no scratch that. On the verge of something huge, but you aren’t sure exactly what that is? That’s where I have been tonight, yesterday, and this weekend. Im aware that some may be thinking well you’re about to graduate so there’s your big something you moron but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I get that I’m graduating, I get that things will change because I am graduating, and I get that my graduation could be the stem of this vibe I have going on….but knowing all of that I can honestly say that graduation isn’t it.
This something, however, isn’t a bad thing or at least I hope it isnt. My gut is feeling fine with it and if my gut is ok with it then Im down for whatever it may be so we are going to run with the idea that this something will turn out for the best. I think it may have something to do with the fact that (if you have read any bit of this blog you already know whats coming) I have broken down and reconstructed the way I handle my life. The old way was clearly not working so why stick to it? Nope, had to throw out what wasnt working and try to reconstruct the damage by translating what was working into the previous war zone. It’s all about strategy people.
We are still in the construction phase of this rebuilding process, however, things seem to be running smoothly and the main guideline I follow is if it feels right run with it. Simple…to the point.. and hell if it ends up badly I can at least say it was my choice one hundred percent. BUT back to the something… whats bothering me about this feeling of mine and whats making me vent to anyone who reads this is that I dont know what it applies to. Better yet I dont know what part of my life its going to completely blow out of the water in hopefully a good way.
What I can tell you is this… I have said that Im not running anymore. Not in any area of my life (thus far it has been beyond difficult and not up to par, but give me some credit I really am trying..promise). So implementing this standing still challenge applies to this something that I know will hit me whether Im ready or not. I wont run when it does because at this point I would rather experience everything I can (good or bad) as long as Im facing it.
We all know our lives are limited and short and if you dont …well go google life quotes and you’ll catch on quick. So yes, there is something brewing and no I dont know what it is. Im going to trust its a good thing and hope for the best, but if it’s not well life goes on. Either way I’m not running (or sprinting in most cases) from it.
I dont have time to.
I was driving home from Tulsa tonight after running some really pointless errands and naturally I had my music louder than necessary in attempt to get lost in whatever song was playing. I try to get completely lost in the music I listen to every now and then in order to try to quiet my mind and give it a chance to stop thinking. Obviously since Im sitting here writing my goal was not achieved.
A love song by Coldplay came on so naturally my mind drifted to the ever so painful topic of feelings, but in my defense did I really stand a chance listening to Coldplay? What in Gods name was I thinking? What I determined was I am just starting to really get a firm grasp on how I function emotionally and also realizing the games Ive played along the way that I really wasnt even aware of. I spend a lot of time trying to figure others out and conveniently ignore the giant emotional red flags I carry around everyday (sue me). Want to know what I sorted out? Because Im going to tell you with the idea that maybe if I write it down Ill have to be more aware of my nasty little habits….or maybe Ill completely deny the whole thing all together. Time will tell.
Im a runner. The phrase I dont run unless Im being chased not only applies to my work out routines but also any situation that involves my feelings or getting emotionally attached. In my head Im someone who doesnt run, but someone who stands as still as a statue and can handle anything…but in reality I chase till I have what I want and run as soon as can. This little bit about me I already knew. I run from what I really want, which is really senseless and a tiny bit masochistic BUT I do it anyway. What I sorted out today was my flat out sprint gradually turned into a jog and has finally settled into a very slow walk. That’s right people, Im tired of running….exhausted really. Its gotten me no where but lost and really brings out an evil…im going to take everyone down with me aspect that I dont even enjoy (truth hurts).
Now the hard part about all of this isnt to stop running (ok well thats sort of hard) the hardest part is sticking to the game plan of standing still which unfortunately requires a lot of honesty and minimal strategy. Two things that I dont particularly enjoy concerning the infamous topic of feelings. I think I have always thought of my love life as a game of Risk and there was no way that I was going to be out manipulated and lose the war. Nope. I was going to win even if it didnt feel like winning, as long as I won I was good to go. Many of you have seen the flaws in this logic already, but yet again its news to me.
So I guess the point of all of this is to inform you and mainly myself that running is no longer an option for me. I hate it. Standing still wont be easy, but it has to be worth a try since the running, manipulating, and half truth for the sake of pride really gets me (and Im sure some of you) no where. It really just turns into a battle between the angel and devil on my shoulder..
and its time that the angel wins a couple rounds or I think she might just throw in the towel.
Now Im not going to sit here and complain about how I was up early, went to the lab, did homework for close to 12 hours, and applied for jobs till I was becoming seemingly illiterate from reading so many listings. Oh no. Nope not going to complain….just going to casually mention what I did today in a check list fashion rather than the thirty minute vent session I would like to have while pulling out my hair.
Anyways….
While today may have been the longest Monday I have had in the last six months (if you take out the homework) it was a pretty substantial day. Here lately I have oddly enough gotten my life together (I use that phrase very loosely) and Im doing the things that I think a good chunk of my family/friends were worried I wouldnt do which involves taking the necessary steps into the overrated Real World. Honestly, I have still be hoping that when people refer to the “real world” they are really referring to the beautiful mansions and seven strangers they have been assigned to live with while being filmed by MTV, but until those crafty camera men show themselves Im just going to have to get over that fantasy. I know…life’s rough, but lets be real I think its best that the world doesnt sit down once a week to see what shenanigans me and me buddies have gotten ourselves into. So I guess it’s truly for the best.
However, here recently while applying for jobs and doing homework until my eyes fall out of my head I have been going to bed every night and waking up every morning with a very calm/content/satisfied feeling concerning my life and the way its going. Ive never not felt lucky or not felt “blessed”, but for some reason I guess the daily self affirmation got lost in translation somewhere. I didnt miss it, but Im glad its back.
This satisfied feeling Ive been carrying around reached a new climax this weekend when I was having a MTV Real World moment while attending the Dave Matthews Band concert in Dallas. I was with two very close friends, listening to Dave jam, sharing some drinks, and probably making complete fools of ourselves…but we didnt care. No one did. If the camera crews were following me around they would have filmed one of those sentimental moments where all the cast mates are making fools of themselves but when they got home tot he confessional would drunkenly claim how much they “just loved the experience they were so blessed with”. This was the moment that separated MTV Real World from the actual Real World for me.
I realized while Dave was singing “Everyday” that I have had a couple personal seasons worth of MTV’s The Real World and I wont forget them because I have them all on DVD in my memories, however, I am beyond ready for the camera crews to disperse and allow me to completely blaze my own trail in the actual Real World.
It takes everyone their own unusual amount of time to reach that Im ready point and Ive reached mine. So Im going to live it up while I can on my last season of MTV’s the Real World and while I do this I ask the so called realistic Real World to show me what you got.
